Rice is Love
by BleachedMerc
Summary: A humble rice farmer's daughter waits longingly for her love every night in the Moonlit Tower. Will Roxas be able to conquer his biggest foe yet to rush to the rescue? Sometimes forbidden love is a gamble.


In the rural lands of China, far across the expanse of the rice paddies and fields, there lived a humble toymaker's mummy. The mummy toymaker played cards every Friday night with all the humble folk in the village, including a humbler rice farmer who was deeply in debt. Friday rolled around again, and against his better judgment, the humble mummified toymaker allowed his humble rice farmer friend to attempt to win and clear his debts. It was a long shot, but it was worth it—especially since he was betting the whole farm and the toymaker needed a starchy pool to firm up his dressings.

Bunny girls dealt out the cards and it was big money all night. Except for the humble rice farmer. He lost the farm during the first round and was forced to bet his daughter, a sweet little rice farming girl who was innocent and oblivious to the world's evils. Until she was won by the humble owner of the Moonlit Tower Casino and Gun Club.

The humble rice farmer begged the bunny girls not to take away his daughter, but they just giggled and puffed air in his ears. He melted and his humble toymaker friend used his own bandages to wipe up the mess. He had excellent timing, because just then, Xion and Rinoa streaked into the room. They could've slipped on all that melted rice farmer and sued the toy shop for all it was worth. Which was their plan. And now it was ruined.

"Dammit, sis! I told you not to waste time doing up your hair!" said Xion with a growl.

"Tee-hee!" Rinoa replied, twirling the saucy pasta dangling off her scalp.

"Great, five seconds too late for a lawsuit!" Xion sighed and then grabbed her ditzy sister. "C'mon! We have to figure out a new way to get bus tickets back to Twilight Town."

"Yay!" said Rinoa as she sexily tossed a wet noodle at the humble men humbly gawking at her.

The dweebie dames sashayed over to the elevator where they rode the lift down with the sexy bunny girls. The bunnies giggled at the twisted sisters, which made Xion mad. Then glad. She got an idea. Three floors down and two raunchy racks of bunny left the elevator, while the other two twits were tied up in the corner just under the security camera. Needless to say, Xion's plan to beat up the bunny girls, steal their clothes, and get macho tips at the Moonlit Tower Casino and Gun Club failed miserably. Just like all her harebrained schemes.

"Next time don't stick meatballs in your ears," Xion grumbled. "I told you the plan so loud of COURSE they overheard us!"

"Tee-hee!" Rinoa said. Some wet noodles fell from her had and slapped across Xion's face.

Outside of the hotel, the bunny girls got in a cab and headed to court. The AC was busted again. Meanwhile, the humble rice farmer puddle's daughter got into a separate cab and went straight to the casino. An in-house stylist and #1 Fancy Freeshooter at the gun club was summoned to doll up the humble daughter. Seven hours of hair dying and sharpshooting later, and the humble rice farmer puddle's daughter had transformed into a foxy babe. She was immediately put to work in the kitchen where she served up rice and dragon eggs for the rest of her career.

One night, however, just as the foxy rice babe was thinking of giving up the casino biz, she served rice and dragon eggs to the hawtest boy ever. His heart-shaped head and flat, white body sent a shiver down her spine. She knew it was wrong, but it felt right somehow. To love the very thing that led her whole world tumbling down the metaphorical rabbit's hole just made her all the more hot under the collar.

"So, you come here often?" said the foxy rice girl.

"Madam, you are in the presence of her royal majesty, the Queen of Hearts!" said the card knight. "I'll ask you to mind your manners and speak only when spoken to!"

The foxy rice girl sighed with bliss. That was the hottest sentence ever. Could he _be _anymore of a studmuffin?

"Kindly leave, or else the royal guard will be forced to remove you!"

The foxy rice girl did as she was told, though she secretly watched her love from afar behind the bar counter. Of course, the sassy barista got upset over that, so the foxy rice girl had to promise to do a month's worth of drinks duties in exchange for five minutes of longing sighs.

The next night couldn't come fast enough, and the foxy rice girl did all she could to contain her longing and excitement. She even poured her heart into making the best plate of rice and dragon eggs ever and waited longingly in the wings for her true love to reemerge in the lounge. As the hours ticked by, the foxy rice girl ignored all her orders and extra drinks duties, never taking her eyes off the entrance. Then, just when she was about to lose hope, she caught a flash of white! A heart-shaped head, a large lance, and a flat, hawt, rockin' white bod. Oooh mama! It was her man meat! She gathered her composure and gracefully sauntered over to the table where here beloved was...taller than she remembered. And had more noodles on his heart-shaped head than she remembered. And had two more pairs of arms and legs than she remembered.

"Um...do you...come here often...?" the foxy rice girl said, making her come-on extra clumsy.

"Tee-hee!" said Rinoa behind her heart-shaped head mask. She was promptly whacked by her bottom half.

"Can we—I mean, _I_ help you?" said Xion from the bottom half of her super sexy new disguise.

"You're not the Queen of Hearts..." said the foxy rice girl, crestfallen.

"I totally am!" Xion contended. "Right?"

"Right!" said Rinoa, noodles slipping out of her mask.

"My oh my, Mr. Queen of Hearts, you sure have gotten lumpy..." said the foxy rice girl.

"Uh, err, why... the better to show off how sexilicious your food is!" quickly stammered Xion.

"Why Mr. Queen of Hearts, your tummy sure has gotten talkative..." said the foxy rice girl, not sure what to make of anything anymore yet still somewhat aroused.

"Err, uh, the better to compliment your rockin' hawt highlights. They're dope!" said Xion with a thumbs-up that ripped the fabric of the card suit.

"Why Mr. Queen of Hearts, you sure do have an awful lot of extra hands," said the foxy rice girl, tossing caution to the wind.

"Tee-hee!" said Rinoa, slurping on one of her noodles. She was promptly whacked.

"Ahem, that is to say...uh...the better to-to...uh... feel you up with?" said Xion, totally winging it.

Foxy rice girl went red in the face. She was falling fast and hard for the studmuffin of a card shark. The time had come to finally confess her feelings. She leaned in close to the card's lumpy gut and parted her lips to whisper something scandalous when suddenly a space station collapsed on the casino, sending Rinoa and Xion flying while killing everyone else.

"Looks like we're blasting off again...!" screamed Xion. Rinoa just tee-heed.

Meanwhile, on the clear other side of the world. Roxas was facing off against the biggest sumo wrestler in the world. It was a timed match and the prize was a stick taken hostage by a warlord. The clock was counting down. All Roxas had to do was shove the big guy out of the ring and he'd be able to rescue that poor stick. The two opponents stared at each other, sizing the other up and trying their best at intimidation. It was a long-shot, but Roxas had a plan.

"Hey, your shoes are untied!"

"Wuh...?" The sumo wrestler looked down at his bare feet, but before he could look back up, Roxas had already kicked him into a building.

"And the winner is...ROXAS!" said the announcer. Everyone cheered. Well, everyone except the sumo wrestler. He had an owie.

Roxas was awarded the stick, really a Pooh stick, and handed it over to Roo in exchange for some ice cream he could share with his friends. Roo then spirited the Pooh stick away to the Fellowship of the Pooh.

The end.


End file.
